Authors: Lauren Farina-Prieto, LCSW and Gretchen Lewis, LCPC
"What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” ~ Mary Oliver.
As we step into the new year, many of us are setting goals and inviting change into our lives. Typical New Year's Resolutions resolve to make behavioral changes that promise to up-level our existence in some way, shape or form. Common examples include saving money, losing weight, limiting screen time, abstaining from alcohol, or meditating daily. We often feel very motivated at the inception of such resolutions, but sadly, 80% of people do not keep them. Failed resolutions engender a sense of shame, which only perpetuates self-sabotaging behaviors. In this article, we'll explore the phenomenon of failed New Year's Resolutions, and offer strategies for honoring such commitments throughout the year.
The Fickle Nature of Motivation
Motivational Interviewing is a counseling modality which points to the fickle nature of motivation. Its inception is rooted in research that suggests that extrinsic methods of motivating individuals, such as persuading, moralizing, or threatening, are only effective in the short-term, but over time, extrinsic motivation fails. For example, if your doctor preaches that quitting smoking would improve your health, you'll likely walk out of their office with resolve to never touch a cigarette again. Days or weeks later, though, you'll find yourself drifting. Why? Because motivation that comes from outside of us isn't as lasting and meaningful as motivation that comes from within. We call this intrinsic motivation.
Intrinsic motivation is established when we connect with values and goals that are our own, and not someone else's. Consider the smoking example. Your doctor's lecture is unlikely to motivate you over the long-term, but reflecting on your own health goals, how you envision yourself feeling in the New Year, how active you'd like to be, and what doors might open for you when your health improves, is much more promising.
To harness the power of intrinsic motivation, consider your values. Check out this list of core values by New York Times best-selling author of Atomic Habits, James Clear. Once you've identified five to seven of your core values, determine which behavioral changes would embody those values. For example, if you choose authenticity as a core value, perhaps a values-aligned goal would be to say no to obligations or social engagements that don't have you totally jazzed. If you choose creativity as a core value, then you might set an intention to take a weekly dance class, start a blog, or take up knitting. The bottom line is that values-aligned goal setting fosters the kind of intrinsic motivation that sets us up for success in the long term.
Shame Fuels Unconscious Choices
This one is critical, and we cannot emphasize it enough. Resolutions made from a place of shame are bound to fail. Why? Because shame fuels unconscious choices. When we feel badly about ourselves, we are less resourced to practice self-discipline and honor commitments to ourselves and others. The very behaviors we resolve against (screen time, alcohol consumption, or overeating, for example) become very convenient coping mechanisms for soothing such shame.
For example, a common resolution is around weight loss. There's nothing inherently shameful about wanting to lose a few pounds, but check your motivation. As yourself why you desire this change. Is your "why" shame-based ("I need to lose weight because I look gross and I can't fit into any of my clothes") or love-based ("I want to lose weight because I love myself enough to know that I deserve to feel energized and healthy)? Because shame fuels unconscious choices, your "why" could make or break your success this year.
Intentions Over Resolutions
The very nature of resolutions is tricky. A resolution is defined as "a firm decision to do or not to do something." A firm decision. This suggests an attachment to the outcome. Sounds like a good thing right? But, here me out. Consider the Theory of Psychological Reactance. Psychological reactance refers to the a very real aspect of human nature, which is our tendency to resist whatever task or idea is presented if we sense that our freedom is threatened. (Author's note: Check your closest teenager for further evidence of psychological reactance.)
Why is psychological reactance relevant to goal-setting? When we, or anyone else for that matter, suggest that we must change, that we have no choice, a part of us will naturally resist that change. Think about the last time you attempted a strict diet, only to binge on your favorite treats days or weeks into your new plan? That was your own psychological reactance in action!
So, how do we work towards change without shame, rigidity and the self-sabotage that often follows? At Invited, we often coach our clients to set intentions. An intention is different from a resolution in that with an intention, there is no attachment to the outcome. How do you know if you are attached to your goals? Check your notion of your own resilience. Whether or not you achieve your goal, do you believe that you'll be okay? For example, if you desire a new job, and you tell yourself "I'll be devastated if it doesn't happen," then you are attached to your goal, and this attachment can give way to your own resistance. But, if you know that you'll be elated to get a new job, though you'll be fine no matter what, you have yourself an intention. Without attachment to a particular outcome, we are protected against the effects of psychological reactance, in addition to the shame we might feel if it doesn't come to fruition.
Well-Being Wheel
We've already established that setting values-aligned, intrinsicly motivated intentions is the key to successful goal-setting. If choosing a goal or intention is too overwhelming, it can be helpful to take note of how you desire to feel in the new year. First, consider how you feel right now. Are you happy, sad, content, burned out or some mixture of these feelings? Did you accomplish what you sought out to do this year? If not, don’t despair; recall that most people do not continue with their resolutions past the first month or two into the new year. Releasing your shame around unfinished work is critical in you success.
Every experience we desire is rooted in our ideas around how that experience will make us feel, so it's really the emotion that we seek, and not the thing. So, think for a moment about how you intend to feel at the end of the New Year. Ask yourself, which goals will help bring about that feeling? Where do you want to travel? With whom would you like to connect? Check out this well-being wheel exercise for guidance. Pick one goal for each area of the well-being wheel and tie it to a feeling you want to have once you have achieved it. Bonus points if you write about it, create a vision board, and get creative about your ideals.
The real power of this exercise is to allow yourself to feel a little bit of the emotion you are aiming for right now, and learning to allow yourself to celebrate the small victories while you are in progress. Allow yourself to feel (strong, peaceful, and joyful) as you think about and start to embark upon the journey of getting to that end goal or result.
The overall intention of the well-being wheel is to connect your deeper desires with purpose, meaning, and the feelings that matter most to you. Goals associated with positive emotions are more likely to manifest. Further, this approach better allows for alignment with the journey, and not attachment to the outcome.
“Life is a journey, and if you fall in love with the journey, you will be in love forever." – Peter Hagerty
Good luck and Happy New Year! May 2023 be a year of growth, liberation and expansion.
Lauren Farina-Prieto, LCSW and Gretchen Lewis, LCPC, are clinicians at Invited Psychotherapy and Coaching, a private practice outside of Chicago, specializing in helping high performing professionals embody their highest potential.
References:
Clear, James. (2018). Atomic habits: an easy & proven way to build good habits & break bad ones . Penguin: Avery.
Miller, W.R., Rollnick, S. (2002).Motivational Interviewing:Preparing People for Change. 2nd Edition. New York: GuilfordPress.
The Well-Being Wheel. (2022). University of New Hampshire Website. https://www.unh.edu/health/wellbeing-wheel
Van Bavel, J., Parker, D. (29 Dec., 2022). Sick of Failing at Your New Year’s Resolutions? There Is a Better Way. Time. https://time.com/6243642/how-to-keep-new-years-resolutions-2/
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