top of page

Navigating the Holiday Blues




Author: Lauren Farina-Prieto, LCSW, CIMPH


It's the "most wonderful time of the year," except for some folks, it's not. If you find yourself among the people who struggle during the holiday season, you're certainly not alone. Therapy offices and crisis hotlines are notoriously busy during the holidays, as many clients report an exacerbation in depression, anxiety and symptoms of grief during this time of year. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 64% of people with an existing mental illness report that the holidays tend to worsen their condition. Holiday blues typically ramp up in the months of November and December, and while symptoms are usually milder than those of a depressive episode, they can be disturbing nonetheless. Read on as we explore the phenomenon of holiday depression, and what you can do to cope during this time of year.


Never-ending To-Do Lists

Recently, while driving with my children, a radio commercial exploited the phenomenon of "holiday stress." Puzzled and surprised, my seven-year-old daughter asked me, "why are the holidays stressful for people?" I was struck by her innocence and naivete. She couldn't understand that most adults' to-do lists are laden with tasks, from cooking, to budgeting, to shopping, gift-wrapping, and event planning. Lately, many of my clients have reflected on their own heightened sense of stress and irritability associated with the many demands of the season. But, here's the thing: we do this to ourselves, people.


By the time we reach adulthood (and often, much sooner), most of us have learned that it feels very validating to gain the approval of others, and we learn to perform for that approval. If we can dazzle our family and friends with our spotless home, meticulous gift-wrapping, and gourmet cooking, then maybe we won't have to question our own sense of self-worth. So, the people-pleasing part emerges, because it feels very good, and very safe, at least at first. Often, eventually, this part eclipses our capacity for authenticity, connection, and rest, and we find ourselves burned out. As Dr. Nicole LaPera, Ph.D. teaches, we feel resentful when we have betrayed ourselves. That is, when the needs of others are consistently prioritized above our own, resentment often festers. If the whole reason we seek to people-please in the first place is for the sake of our relationships, this resentment makes us ripe for self-sabotage. If the health of your relationships is a priority, being honest with yourself (and others) about your limits is imperative.


This year, I invite you to gain awareness of how people-pleasing operates in your life, and to be intentional about how you budget your energy. Make a list of your to-dos this season. Next to each task, identify whether it's on your list because it brings you joy and satisfaction, or if it's there because you feel like you're "supposed to," or you "should." It's also important to consider what you value about the holidays, and take stock of how your choices line up. For example, if you say you value time with family, but you spend the whole party in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning, then are you living in alignment with your values? Likely not. If you say you value peace, but set your alarm to get to the mall early on Black Friday, how's that working for you? You get the picture. You don't necessarily need to make changes to your list or your choices, but self-awareness around your motives is the first step to making sound, authentic decisions that serve both you and those you love.


Love without Bounds (or Boundaries)

For many people, spending time with family is the best part of the holidays. For others, not so much. Ram Dass, psychologist and spiritual teacher once said, "If you think you're enlightened, go spend a week with your family." Our families of origin can push our buttons like no one else, and this dynamic can arise from a lack of boundaries. Boundaries refers to respect for limits around one's personal values, lifestyle, beliefs and choices. Because our families have known us, often since the diaper years, it can be difficult for them to give the space required for boundaries to exist. What's more is that, because our often well-meaning family members are emotionally invested in their ideas around what's best for us, it can be difficult for them to hold back (how many parents can relate?). Examples of boundary violations might include comments about your body or your weight, judgment about your food choices, unwelcome questions about your relationship status, or interference in your parenting.


It's first important to understand why someone might violate your boundaries: It's not you, it's them. Repeat after me: judgment reflects neediness.  We are never more judgmental of others than when we feel somehow lacking, stressed or otherwise threatened. So, consider what someone's comment may say about them, over what it might say about you. How you respond is an opportunity to reflect that truth. Next, deflect the comment to take the pressure off of you. Consider the following:


"Wow, you're really interested in my food choices!"

"I can tell this is very important to you but I don't really want to talk about it."

"You seem really curious about my relationship."

"That's so funny. You asked me the same thing last year!"

"Now why would you ask me that?"


It's so important that we learn to be our own advocate in situations where we feel disrespected. Remember, we feel resentful when we have betrayed ourselves.  How many times have you driven home from a gathering, thinking about what you wish you would've said, and rehearsing what you will say next time? When we can trust ourselves to have our own back, to hold our own boundaries, we become less dependent on other people to behave the way we want. Instead, we can simply meet them where they are. Remember, if the health of your relationships is a priority, being honest about your limits is imperative. Plus, being your own advocate can help you to drop the mask that pretends everything is fine, and take responsibility for your needs and limits, which then allows others the opportunity to connect with the real you.


Expectation v. Reality

There is no time more fraught with high expectations than the holiday season. We expect warm and joyful family gatherings, smiles and laughter on Christmas morning, romantic evenings by the fire, and gifts that knock our socks off. When reality inevitably falls short of these lofty expectations, we experience this as problematic, and this leads to feelings of distress.


The definition of a problem is the extent to which your reality deviates from your expectations. The bigger the gap between what happens in life and what you hoped would happen, the bigger the problem. This is why problems are relative; what may be a problem for one person may not be a problem for another, depending on their mindset. And that's where your power lies: in shifting your mindset. We'd never suggest that our clients lower their expectations. We pride ourselves in support our clients in pursuing their dreams (even their holiday ones)! But, there is tremendous power in suspending one's expectations, or adopting what we call the "we'll see" mentality. Example: "We'll see how my sister will act tonight at dinner," or "We'll see how the party goes." Instead of jumping to conclusions about your holiday experience, practice open-minded curiosity. This way, when things go well, you'll be pleasantly surprised, but if things go wrong, it won't be devastating.


There is little wrong with hoping for the best, but we tend to run into trouble when we grow attached to those expectations. I often coach my clients to focus on what they can do to shape their experiences, and let go of the rest. For instance, instead of thinking "I'll be beside myself if my partner doesn't like the gift I made him," try"I hope he'll like it, but I'll be okay no matter what." And, you will be okay. Instead of attaching to a particular outcome or experience this holiday, stay committed to the notion of your own resilience. No matter what happens this holiday season, whether you go out on New Year's Eve or not, whether you get into with your aunt (again) or not, when it's all said and done, you'll be okay.


Additional Tips for Dealing with the Holiday Blues

Living in alignment with one's values, saying no to commitments that don't feel authentic, setting boundaries with family members and managing mindset are key strategies to cope with the stress of the season. Read on for more tips for cultivating balance this season:


Limit Inflammatory Food and Drink

Listen, we've all been guilty of indulging in sugary treats and festive cocktails, especially during this time of year. But, we'd be kidding ourselves if we failed to acknowledge how this affects not just our physical health, but also our emotional health. Forget the mind-body connection; I'm talking about mind-body unity. Between 80-90% of our neurotransmitters are manufactured in the gut, so you can bet that gut inflammation will have an almost immediate and profound effect on your mood. I often encourage my clients to record a "Food/Mood Diary" to gain a sense of the effects that their diet has on their mood. Then, they are empowered to make changes that work for them, and not against them.


Prioritize Movement

Again, think mind-body unity. When your body is happy, your brain is happy. Exercise stimulates the secretion of endorphins and creates a sense of mastery and empowerment. The good news is that gentle movement, such as walking, stretching or yoga can stimulate this effect. Be careful with HIIT, though, as this can stimulate the secretion of the stress hormone, cortisol, which can exacerbate holiday stress for some. It's important to remember that the purpose of movement is to empower yourself, and not to punish yourself. Goals set from a place of self-love are far more likely to "stick" than those made from a place of shame.


Spend Time in Nature

I've always loved the sounds of the birds chirping in my backyard. I often tell people it was the biggest selling point when we bought our current home. I wasn't surprised when, a few years later, I learned that birdsong helps calm the nervous system, which is responsible for turning on and off our stress response. When we connect with a vibrant ecosystem, we gain a sense of safety, peace and often, well-being. Granted, the birds aren't as chirpy during these winter months, but even in the cold of December, a short walk outside in daylight can work wonders for your mood.


Prioritize Connection

Connection with family, friends and trusted others is protective against physical and mental illness alike. Ironically, in the hustle and bustle of the holiday season, true interpersonal connection often suffers. "Seeing" loved ones is different from connecting with them, which requires time, and often, focused attention. Take a moment to think about with whom you'd like to connect this season, and prioritize those relationships above the obligatory tasks and commitments.


Closing Thoughts

Holiday depression is a common phenomenon which tends to remit after the holidays are over. If your blues endure for longer, or have begun to affect how you function at work, at home or in your relationship, you may be at risk for major depressive disorder. Don't hesitate to reach out to your doctor or therapist, or our clinicians at www.invitedoakpark.com for support in navigating this difficult time.


Lauren Farina-Prieto, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in the State of Illinois, and Founder of Invited Psychotherapy and Coaching, a private practice outside of Chicago, specializing in helping high performing professionals embody their highest potential.


Sources:


LePera, N. (2021). How to do the work: recognize your patterns, heal from your past, and create your self. First edition. New York, NY, Harper Wave, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers.


National Alliance on Mental Illness. Mental health and the holiday blues.



0 views0 comments

Comments


bottom of page